I don’t even know where to start with this…

…so I suppose I might as well start where it all started.

===

“When those thoughts won’t come, I know that the shakes will. I’ve got no gun to my weary head. Hell, I couldn’t even hold the barrel still. Everybody loves a catch twenty-two. Damned if you don’t, son, damned if you do. Outside it’s another day that I got to make it through.”

— Jason Boland

===

Not sure I said anything about it here before…but Sabra’s pregnant. She’s a little more than 18 weeks along. We went to her midwife’s appointment Wednesday to have an ultrasound done. She had gone for another ultrasound about three weeks ago, and everything was fine. We were thinking everything was gonna be fine this time too. We were gonna have the ultrasound done and bring home a DVD with pictures and/or video, we were gonna share it with everyone, and it was gonna be great.

We were wrong. We were so, so horribly wrong.

They did the ultrasound…but they had to call another ultrasound tech in because of some abnormalities they saw. And we got an appointment with a fetal medicine specialist for last Thursday to confirm what they suspected at the midwife’s office. And it was. Our baby has a very rare condition called limb-body wall complex. (Limb-body stalk the doctor called it.) It occurs in 0.7 of every 10,000 births. Completely random, not a chromosomal defect, no known cause or prevention. The baby has no pelvis or diaphragm, one of his/her legs is missing, s/he has a severe case of scoliosis, and the baby’s heart and intestine are outside the body. They are attached directly to the placenta, and there is only a nominal (2cm) umbilical cord. The heart and lungs aren’t going to develop like they should. I knew it was very bad when Sabra asked if they could tell us the gender. We’ve always been adamant that such remain unknown until the baby is born.

The condition…this limb-body stalk…the condition our baby has is fatal. There’s nothing that can be done about it. We’re going to take the pregnancy to term and hopefully be able to hold our baby and say goodbye; the baby won’t live long if s/he makes it out alive at all. We have chosen a gender-neutral name due to the inability to tell our baby’s gender. Our baby’s name is Psalm-Angel Guadalupe.

I am holding up the best I can, and I am finding my shelter and comfort in my precious family’s embrace, but right now I am just absolutely destroyed. I have dealt with death before, but never has it been so up-close and personal as it’s going to be in the all-too-near future. It’s one thing to deal with the death of a beloved relative who lived a somewhat long life, but quite another thing to deal with the death of your unborn child, and I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t utterly horrified at the prospect. This too shall pass, of course, but I know that this is a wound that will never heal and that none of us will ever be the same. I have so, so many questions, most of which I won’t find out the answers to in this life, but that I’ll probably be asking until Sabra and I see our precious little baby again in that land where there is no more death, no more sorrow, crying or pain.

Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers.

===

Love is everything. It’s a rose on a stone, it’s the words in a song that the choir sings. It’s the tears of goodbye and the place that you fly to, to get your wings.”

— George Strait

Advertisements

Tags:

13 Responses to “I don’t even know where to start with this…”

  1. drjim Says:

    I am so sorry to hear this.
    Rest assured, your little angle will be with God.

  2. K T Says:

    I am so sorry. May God be with you and give you the strenght you will surely need. Will keep you all in my prayers.

  3. Farm.Dad Says:

    What a Blow ! I am pretty much speechless when it comes to saying anything that could possibly help . All i can do is pray that you find comfort in each other and your family through the course of this nightmarish journey .

  4. Irish Says:

    So very sorry to hear this sad news.

  5. fuzzysdad01 Says:

    I am sorry to hear about our little Angel.
    My wife miscarried twice so I know some of your pain and grief

  6. oldnfo Says:

    Thoughts and prayers sent. May God bring Psalm Angel home and make her whole.

  7. Tam Says:

    😦

  8. Borepatch Says:

    For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
    I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
    My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
    Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

    – Psalm 139: 13-16

  9. That Guy Says:

    Prayers sent

  10. 3boxesofbs Says:

    Thoughts and prayers for you and your family at this time.
    Please let me know if I can do anything more than that. Any time friend,

    Bob S.

  11. southtexaspistolero Says:

    Thank you all.

  12. Dann in Ohio Says:

    We learned of this thought Bayou Renaissance Man’s blog… our prayers our with you and your family…

    Dann in Ohio (and the gals)

  13. NotClauswitz Says:

    Our prayers to you and Sabra.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: