Posts Tagged ‘things my wife says’

Overheard at Taco Cabana…

December 12, 2010

..or more accurately, pulling into the parking lot of Taco Cabana (the one on Broadway north of where it crosses IH-35 and IH-37, for you folks from SA) as Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” was playing on the satellite radio…

“Faster, master, disaster. He’s really stretching in the rhyme department, isn’t he?”

“For all that song’s bad rhymes, it’s actually considered one of Metallica’s greatest songs.”

“By sober people?”

“That is the title song to the album many consider to be the greatest heavy metal album ever made.”

“By sober people? Most of the people I knew who listened to heavy metal were usually drunk.”

Yeah, I LOL’ed. HARD. πŸ˜‰

She may be a headbanger already…

November 16, 2010

My Miss Marie, that is.

I was just holding her and she started crying and thrashing about with her mouth open, like she was looking for a nipple to latch on to. It looked like she was headbanging, no lie. I told Sabra about that and what I thought she was looking for, and she said, “She either wants a nipple or Iron Maiden.”

Yeah, I laughed. πŸ˜‰

Overheard in the living room…

November 14, 2010

…right after Sabra’s ex picked up the kids for their weekly visit with him:

“I must have been the neediest 18-year-old in existence. He actually appealed to me at some point.”

Yeah, I laughd out loud. So loud I was almost afraid I woke the baybeh. πŸ™‚

Puppet proctology?

November 9, 2010

Yeah, I know, I never would’ve thought about that either. At least not before today, when Esther (my youngest stepdaughter) picked up a mouse puppet they’d left over at Sabra’s mother’s house. Apparently she asked what the hole in the bottom was for, and Sabra told her, “That’s so you can shove your hand up the mousey’s butt and make sure its prostate’s okay.”

Ahhhh, Merle. “It’s a big job just gettin’ by, with nine kids and a wife…”

Overheard in the City-Base Walmart…

October 24, 2010

…as my wife holds up a notebook with a picture of Justin Bieber on the front:

“This is what a middle-aged lesbian haircut looks like.”

Getting more San Antonian by the day, I am…

October 14, 2010

My wife, just now, as I fix my portion of the tacos-and-beans dinner she prepared:

“You’re going all ethnic. I heard you in there going after the Mexican Coke.”


Not only that, I am drinking it out of a Bill Miller Texas Tea Bucket. πŸ˜‰

Overheard at lunch…

August 19, 2010

My wife, on the problems with modern Nashville “country” music, shortly after I asked her when Richie McDonald got castrated:

“I thought he came that way!”

And then a few minutes later…

“That’s what it is. Gary Allan is going around Nashville cutting off everyone’s testicles to enlarge his own.”

Sounds like a logical explanation to me…

Yeah, that’s about right.

August 8, 2010

This requires a bit o’ background info, which may be TMI…

Back when I was with the ex-girlfriend (aka Kitty-Eater), she claimed to be so good at fellatio that she could make me climax in five minutes. She made that claim on several occasions; however, I never got to see if she could back it up because, well, she never did. Didn’t try even once. I mentioned this to Sabra early on in our relationship, and she said, “If she can make a man come in five minutes, she’s not doing it right.”

I also mentioned to Sabra that the ex also would never kiss me with tongue because she thought it was nasty, to which Sabra said, “If she’s not gonna let you stick your tongue in her mouth, she sure as hell won’t let you stick your dick in it.” Which explained it all, really.

Anyway, I told you all that to tell you this…

My wife, on the Kenny Rogers song “Ruby (Don’t Take Your Love To Town)”:

“That song sucks like Kitty-Eater claimed to.”

Yeah. Yeah, it sure does. πŸ˜‰

Mama ain’t ALWAYS right…

June 18, 2010

Sitting here listening to Steve Earle…”Mama says a pistol is the devil’s right hand…”

Me: “I wonder if he also believed Mama when she told him if he made a face it’d freeze that way.”

Sabra: “He also can’t figure out why his palms aren’t hairy.”

I tell you, that woman riffs off what I say like no one else…

Need cheap rotgut vodka NOW…

June 16, 2010

because I want to be sure I never get to be that bad.

Those of you with Sirius or XM satellite radio know they have some rather off-the-wall names for the channels — The Roadhouse, Classic Vinyl, Hair Nation, etc. Anyway, overheard just a few minutes ago as we were pulling into the driveway listening to Hair Nation:

Sabra: “I wonder how much alcohol they had to drink to come up with those channel names.”

Me: “I dunno. How much do you think they had to drink to come up with the slogan ‘We play your kind of country’? Isn’t that what they say on KJ97?”

Sabra: “That (level of banality) can only be achieved with a lifetime of teetotaling.”

Yes, indeed…